


.5: The Gray Chapter

by GoodGollyMissYollie (Yollie183)



Series: Ride The Lightning [11]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Drug Use, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Suicide Attempt, drug overdose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 12:11:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10556104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yollie183/pseuds/GoodGollyMissYollie
Summary: Steve Rogers works for a discreet private security company and gets assigned to James Barnes, a musician who takes the idea of 'sex, drugs and rock 'n roll' just a little too seriously.***THIS IS A COMPANION WORK TOGoddamn Electric***





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So, I asked the wonderful people who are reading my fic [Goddamn Electric](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6756670/chapters/15441367) if they wanted scenes from Bucky's POV, and this is that!  
> Please go read that if you haven't yet, this won't make sense out of context (sorry!)
> 
> Title from the album of the same name by Slipknot.

_You are one of God's mistakes,_

_You crying, tragic waste of skin_

_I'm well aware of how it aches_

_And you still won't let me in._

_Now I'm breaking down your door_

_To try and save your swollen face_

_Though I don't like you anymore_

_You lying, trying waste of space_

_Before our innocence was lost_

_You were always one of those_

_Blessed with lucky sevens_

_And the voice that made me cry_

_My, oh my_

_You were mother nature's son_

_Someone to whom I could relate_

_Your needle and your damage done_

_Remains a sordid twist of fate_

_Now I'm trying to wake you up_

_To pull you from the liquid sky_

_Coz if I don't we'll both end up_

_With just your song to say goodbye_

_A song to say goodbye_

_A song to say goodbye_

_A song to say..._

_It's a song to say goodbye._

_\- Song to Say Goodbye, Placebo_

 

~

 

Bucky was reeling. Had been since he’d tossed Steve his car keys, really. Something fragile had broken in him the moment he’d peeked over Steve’s shoulder and saw his father framed in the doorway. He’d had to get Steve away from him, if only for his own peace of mind. His father had turned such benevolence on him that it had made Bucky lightheaded with revulsion. George Barnes, standing in Bucky’s house, had said how much he’d missed his son, how he wanted to reconnect, have them get to know each other again.

“You’ll always be my little boy, Jimmy.”

Those words had a visceral effect on Bucky, whose had stomach roiled, nausea clawing its way up his throat.

“Get out,” Bucky had said. Quietly, calmly. “Get out of my house. Get out of my life. I never want you anywhere near me again.”

He had ignored his father’s response, moving past him in the hallway – oh so careful not to come into any sort of physical contact with him – and wrenching open the door.

“Get out. Now.”

His father had gone, a cold, steely look in his eyes, and Bucky had collapsed against the wall. He had sobbed, painful, tearless sobs that had torn out of him in agony, until he had been entirely spent.

He had pulled himself to his feet once he could find them, and staggered to the living room, where he had located an unmarked DVD and left it with a note for Steve, saying the only thing he could have said – that he was sorry.

 

Then he’d made his way upstairs, to his box, to his chemicals and pulled up a lethal dosage into a syringe. He had slouched down onto his bed and pushed the needle into the waiting vein. It had hurt, in a way few things ever had before, and for a startling moment just as he had lost consciousness, Bucky had felt deep, awful regret for what he had just done.

 

Then he woke up, in a shock of noise and color, and begged for Steve, only to hear Wade’s voice, close to his ear.

“Steve’s gone. He stayed until you woke up, then left without a word.”

 

Bucky was reeling. In an uncomfortable hospital bed, wearing his favorite, faded Star Wars t-shirt that Steve had packed for him, with the ink still fresh on a new record deal and Pierce behind bars and Tony Stark staring at him with a strange anger in his eyes.

“So… rehab?” Bucky asks Stark, not sure what the man expects.

“If that’s the way you wanna roll, sure.” Stark says it with a nonchalance that doesn’t sound the least bit genuine to Bucky.

“What else is there?”

Stark shrugs. “Go to rehab, don’t go to rehab, I don’t care as long as you send the bill to Pepper.”

With that Stark made his exit, leaving Bucky alone with his thoughts for a few precious seconds until Wade came through the door, his shoulders slumped in an uncharacteristically defeated way.

“He says the DVD doesn’t change anything,” Wade told him without preamble.

So Wade had gone to see Steve. Bucky’s heart clenched painfully at the thought of him.

“Was he lying?” Bucky asked.

“Not as far as I could tell,” Wade answered, flopping onto the end of Bucky’s bed. “What was on it anyway?”

Bucky looked away. “Something Steve deserves to know.”

Wade turned towards him, but Bucky refused to meet his gaze. He was tired, exhausted really, and he still had his first appointment with the hospital’s psychiatrist coming up. He knew it was protocol for attempted suicides, but he hated the thought of having to spill his guts to a stranger. As if reading his thoughts, Wade spoke quietly. “If you don’t like this shrink, we’ll get another one after you get discharged.”

“Yeah,” Bucky nodded. Having to see a shrink, and by extension get clean was a stipulation of their new record deal. Bucky had done it before, by himself. He could do it again, for himself and for his friends.

_And,_ the thought came unbidden, _for Steve._

But doing it for himself was the most important. He could not rely on anyone else to get clean, because he shouldn’t rely on anyone else to _stay_ clean. And suddenly, with a sharp ache, Bucky was happy that Steve had left. He could do this without Steve, would do it without Steve. He’d been using Steve as a crutch for too long, and it had to stop.

“Hey, Wade,” Bucky said, gently nudging Wade with his foot. “I’m sorry.”

Wade looked up at him. “Sorry for?”

“For this,” Bucky motioned to the hospital room, the IV, the mess that was himself. “For trying to kill myself. For hurting you. And for what it’s worth… I’m happy I’m still alive.”

Wade was suddenly on top of him, his arms encircling Bucky in a bone-crushing hug. Bucky hugged back, letting his tears soak into Wade’s shirt, just as Wade’s wet his.

“I’m fucking happy you’re still alive, too, dumbass.”

Bucky let out a weak chuckle and deliberately wiped his nose on Wade’s Hello Kitty shirt.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last Bucky chapter. I'll post the last main fic chapter sometime this weekend.


End file.
